There's a Certain Slant of Light
by Cindylou30
Summary: "What a pair we are," he mumbled fondly. "Yeah," she replied. "What a pair we are." - A one-shot in which Tony has nightmares and Pepper knows it.


**A/N Hiya! Okay, look, I know this is a lot of angsty stuff coming from me since I've been back, but it was an accident, I swear! I actually have a comedic (hopefully) piece that might go up tonight. But for now, I hope you'll enjoy this one- another Pepperony one-shot, because I was emotional after watching Civil War.**

 **I have a head-canon that Tony has/had some sort of PTSD (be it from the Makluan Invasion or the multitude of other things that have happened to the guy) similar to what he had in IM3. I've written a lot on the subject of nightmares (looking through my posted works, this makes the fourth that alludes or directly spins off of one) because I've suffered from them quite heavily the last few years. I'm alright, though, don't worry about me!**

 **Whoever finds the Iron Man 3 quote in the story gets cake! And the good kind, too, not that that chalky, dry stuff. Nuh-uh, I'm talking bona fide Martha Stewart (she's known for baking, right? Oh well) cake right here. Cheers! Let me know if you find it!**

 **This story is named for this poem by Emily Dickinson:**

 _ **"There's a certain Slant of light,**_

 _ **Winter Afternoons –**_

 _ **That oppresses, like the Heft**_

 _ **Of Cathedral Tunes –**_

 _ **Heavenly Hurt, it gives us –**_

 _ **We can find no scar,**_

 _ **But internal difference –**_

 _ **Where the Meanings, are –**_

 _ **None may teach it – Any –**_

 _ **'Tis the seal Despair –**_

 _ **An imperial affliction**_

 _ **Sent us of the Air –**_

 _ **When it comes, the Landscape listens –**_

 _ **Shadows – hold their breath –**_

 _ **When it goes, 'tis like the Distance**_

 _ **On the look of Death –"**_

 **Disclaimer: I do not own _IM:AA_. *gross sobbing***

* * *

"Who would have thought Tony Stark would be such a good manicurist?"

Tony doesn't look up as he carefully lays down Pepper's right hand and lifts her left into his own, expertly wielding the nailbrush. "Steady hands. You have to have them if you're going to work with circuit-boards all day."

"Sure you don't just have some secret job at a nail salon you've been meaning to tell us about?" Pepper teased as she waggled the fingers on her finished hand, whistling with appreciation as she inspected them. Unblemished, the ruby polish glinted wetly in the light.

"Oh, I've been meaning to tell you..." Tony mustered a smile as he dipped the brush back into the bottle, meeting her eyes for the first time since they'd begun. Pepper's smile faltered as she noticed the dark sags beneath them and the strained red of his schleras. Had he looked so tired earlier? Guilt bubbles up, hot and caustic, in her throat; she was supposed to be looking after Tony's well-being. God knows he won't.

Tony seems to notice the change in her demeanour and his gaze drops again. He wordlessly picks back up the brush and begins to apply a layer of paint to one of her nails. Pepper pulls away, unable to hide her disappointment any longer. Guilt pushes her as much as worry.

"You haven't been sleeping, have you?" said Pepper, her voice thin. "I thought- I know it's too much to think of myself- but I've been trying so hard, and I thought I'd been helping..."

"Pep, please," whispered Tony, wrapping his hand around hers. "You have been. I promise. I just... I need... time. Y'know?"

Pepper inhaled deeply and then released her breath slowly between pursed lips. "Yeah. I know. I just... want you to be okay."

"I will be." Tony ducked his head again, ensnaring Pepper's hand tightly in his own so he could finish his little task. He pressed a soft, lingering kiss to her knuckle. "For what it's worth," he mumbled, "I'm trying, too."

Pepper leans over to brush her lips over his forehead, and although he grumbles that she's made him smear the paint on her skin, she can still hear the smile in his voice.

* * *

After enjoying a cheesy natural-disaster movie- which included their snarky commentary on the bad CGI and script- Tony had put himself to sleep on Pepper's lap rambling about something called the "Fibonacci Code" for fifteen minutes. Normally Pepper wouldn't have minded letting him snooze, but it was nearly midnight and she still had comp. homework to complete. Mobility was a necessity. _Sorry, Tony._

It took several minutes, along with a lot of careful squirming, but eventually Pepper had successfully wormed out from beneath him without Tony stirring even once. She laid his head on the armrest of the couch and pulled the blanket she'd been cocooned in around his shoulders.

Pepper stepped back to admire her handiwork. Unconsciousness brought a certain type of serenity and peace to the inventor's face she rarely saw in daylight. Tony had brought something dark, something feral and ugly, back with him from the Makluan ship that fateful day. He didn't like to talk about it, but sometimes letting Tony keep to himself wasn't the best option. He preferred to stew by himself rather than share his burden.

Noble, but ridiculous. He was a human being, not a machine.

Pepper dropped cross-legged onto the floor, leaning her back against the couch and peering up at Tony as she unzipped her backpack. She pulled out her binder and set to work on her assignment: assigning connotations and memories to colours. It was supposed to boost creative writing juices, but all it was boosting for Pepper was the intensity of her headache.

 _Red is the colour of anger,_ she thinks wryly. _Anger at this stupid project._

After a few minutes Pepper dropped her pencil onto her lap, rubbing the heels of her hands against her dry and strained eyes. This was impossible. While for others it seemed easy enough to assign colours to different emotions, Pepper seemed to be more pragmatic in her thought-process. Green was green. Grass was green. Green Skittles were green. _Feelings_ weren't green.

Pepper stifled a yawn and then squinted a curious eye towards Tony's backpack. The inventor had finished his work in class, but had held onto it as it was homework. _What did he write?_ _I'm sure he won't mind if I take a peek_ , Pepper reasoned as she reached for the bag. _I'll just look and see what he has for "green." Nothing else._

She cracked his notebook open on her knees and rifled through pages and pages of schematics and scatter-brained notes before she arrived at the newest entry.

"Here we go," she whispered to herself, lowering to a more comfortable sitting position against the couch and glancing almost guiltily up towards the snoozing scientist. She immediately forgot her resolve to limit her nosiness as she dove into his looping scrawl.

 _Yellow/orange: Sunlight, hope, warmth. Completely unrelated to that, also the colour of those dorky tennis shoes Rhodey wore for a year in junior high. An important day in history was the one in which Rhodey stepped in mud up to his knees and had to toss them. Hasta la vista, banana shoes. You aren't missed._

Pepper grinned.

 _Green: Grass, growth, betterment. Also, greed, self-interest. The color of the fat wads of cash Obadiah offered me to sell him Stark International._

 _Blue: Arc reactor. Electricity. Eyes. The sky. The Atlantic on its prettiest day. But in a visceral sense, blue is heavy, and cold, and empty. "Feelin' blue"- it's an expression for a reason._

She wished she didn't think he was speaking from personal experience.

 _Red: Pepper's hair-_ Pepper bit back a smile, feeling her cheeks flush- _and love._ Her heart quickened a little bit in spite of herself. Of course Tony had said "love"- love was typically associated with red, right? She herself had written it- it was a no-brainer. But the way Tony had merely written _Pepper's hair_ next to _love_ felt significant to her, if only because he knew the way Tony's mind worked. If only because she noticed that this was the shortest explanation out of all of them.

If only because Pepper loved him and fervently hoped he reciprocated.

It was then that a muffled moan met her ears. Dropping the notebook, Pepper quickly whirled around on her knees to face Tony.

His face, lax only a half hour earlier, was now scrunched and slick with a sheen of sweat. A muscle jumped in his jaw, a furrow between his brows, and his tense body shuddered. He murmured incoherently, almost pleadingly, fingers clenching and uncoiling as he reached for something Pepper could not see.

Pepper's heart ached in her chest as though it had been wrung.

"Tony," she whispered, pressing the palm of her hand against his damp cheek and brushing a fringe of bangs out of his face with the other. She knew better than to wake him abruptly. "Tony, wake up. You're home, everyone's safe. Just wake up."

The sound of Pepper's voice and her cool hands on his face slowly roused him, dragging Tony from his nightmare like quicksand. The last thing he saw before he opened his eyes was the terror-stricken face of Pepper, and the first thing he saw when he opened them was that same face regarding him now brokenly.

"Pepper..." he said, his voice hoarse. His heart was thumping erratically in his chest. It was an uncomfortable flutter, though it felt like much more than a butterfly.

 _It feels like I have Mothra trapped in my chest. I need to calm down. I wish Pepper wasn't here to see me like this.  
_

"I'm so sorry," Pepper said, flinging her arms around his shoulders. Something hot burned at his neck, and his sleep-addled mind took a moment to process that they were indeed tears. His own panic seemed to have triggered hysterics on Pepper's part. Go figure. "I wish I could make you all better, I really do. I think sometimes I get frustrated with you, and I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_."

"Pep..."

"But we're here for you, me and Rhodey, and I know we make it a little bit later, so stop being stubborn and let me- us- _dang it_ , stop being so hard-headed and let me _help_ you. If you would just _talk_ about it, maybe we could..."

Tony lightly placed his own hands on Pepper's shoulders. He was beginning to rein in his rapid hearbeat, though his breathing was still strangled in his deflated lungs. "You're right," he said. "You're right. I'm sorry." Pepper pulled away to stare at him inquisitively. Her eyes were shining. "I'm only hurting you guys more by trying to keep this all away from you. I never learn from my mistakes, I guess."

"I mean, that's true..." she hiccuped with a small smile. It reminded Tony of a ray of sunlight piercing through the clouds of a thunderstorm.

"I guess, I just want you to still see me as something better than... this? Someone..." He closed his eyes. He couldn't - wouldn't- subject himself to the disgusted look he was afraid to see on her face. "Someone stronger. Pepper, I need to be able to protect the one thing I can't live without. That's you. And right now, I'm..."

Pepper kissed him, softly, chastely, on the lips. "I'm not a damsel," she whispered. "I'm not helpless. I'm not even in danger, right now. But, you?" She smiled at him sincerely. "You're still my hero. Suit or not. It's okay if you doubt yourself right now. I believe in you enough for the both of us."

Something twisted in Tony's expression, raw and whole. Pepper was dismayed to see a tear streak down his cheek until Tony smiled at her, a blinding, sincere grin.

"C'mere," he whispered, pulling Pepper next to him on the couch and encircling her in his arms so that her head laid against his chest. Perfect. He breathed a steely breath as Pepper's small hands- so small, fragile- rubbed consoling circles into his back. "I love you," he breathed, and _oh_ , there it was, out in the open, and it was impossible to take back, and that's what made it so important. "I love you, Pepper," he said again, as if there could be any mistake in who his words were directed towards.

For a moment Pepper didn't reply, rigid in his arms, and his blood turned to ice in his veins. However, it wasn't long before she was struggling to sit up, beaming at him with soft eyes that warmed him though to his core.

"I know," she said, voice trembling with giddy laughter. Tony gaped at her with pleased awe.

"You did _not_ just Han Solo me," he grinned.

"I did," Pepper laughed, "and I only know that reference- and watched all the movies _twice_ \- because I love you, too."

Tony drank in the sight of her, from her pink-tinged cheeks and fever-bright eyes to her messy red hair. He didn't want to know what he looked like; he wanted to crawl away and hide knowing he'd openly cried in front of her. Instead he just pulled her close again, reassured by the steady rise and fall of her chest against his own.

"What a pair we are," he mumbled fondly.

"Yeah. What a pair we are."

Tony smiled. When he fell asleep, the comfort of having Pepper next to him was enough to dispel the bad dreams.

 **A/N Didja find the quote? If you didn't, it's *SPOILER* "I need to be able to protect the one thing I can't live without. That's you."**

 **I hope you enjoyed! If you did, be sure to let me know in a comment! If you didn't, ah, let me know that too so I can improve! Thank you, and have a great day!**


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